[Before, when these memories had shown themselves to others, he had managed to keep his composure. Swallow the heartache down, and let it settle. He's had ten years with Iris and plenty of letters to receive to cope with the fact that he was alone. But here, with someone like Kotetsu, and how painful everything feels, it's like the straw that broke the camel's back.]
[And what's harder to deal with is to experience something like this man's infinite kindness, and then be reminded of something so similar that he still, to this day, was missing.]
...Maybe you shouldn't. [And he's blinking back tears, unwilling to push away, but stiffening in the man's grip. I miss him. I miss him. I just saw him and it wasn't enough. It was never enough. But no, that was selfish, and the man had a daughter at home, and he couldn't have him for himself, not really. He had understood that, but...] What's the point of it all?
[Irene has curled up into a ball behind him, whimpering.]
[ Finley approaches Irene, trying to lean forward to nuzzle her. Wanting to help comfort her. Just a gentle touch if she's allow. Nothing forceful. She's here for her.
Kotetsu's slowly raises his hand to rest on the back of Sholmes' head, the other remaining wrapped around him and holding him once again like he's something so precious beyond compare. ]
I can't give you answers. All I know is what I feel.
[ And that warmth swells, like warm waves trying to wash over him. He understands, he knows this might just be more painful in the future, but he knows regrets. He knows loss. ]
The point is that I'm here with you now. I kept fighting because you were here. I held onto that promise, Sholmes. It was like a lifeline for me, guiding me through. When I lost confidence, hope... You've always been there to pick me back up.
[ He lightly brush his cheek against Sholmes', like a light nuzzle. ]
And I don't want to lose that. I don't ever want to leave that. I'll find a way.
[ It makes absolutely no sense, but he doesn't care. What he cares about right now is this. ]
["What you feel is wrong", he wants to say. "It's all just lingering feelings from a spell that should have never been used. It was born from a lie. You and I, we're just caught in a net that was never meant to be made".]
[It can't be this good. There's nothing this good.]
Please...
[He manages to say, but he lets it cut out then, shuddering. He doesn't know how to finish that. "Please leave?" "Please stay?" Mikotoba, his partner, is in his head, and they're dancing. Even ten years later, they were able to dance like they always did.]
[How can he dance with anyone else?]
Kotetsu...you can't...
[But how can he leave this man, when his promise keeps him here, alive, like a lifeline? He can't turn away and refuse to acknowledge that.]
[He turns his head to rest in the crook of the other's neck just to cry. Because even the great detective is not smart enough to unravel the mysteries of the heart.]
[ He feels that turmoil shifting between them, but only meets it with acceptance and warmth.
His hand shifts to pull the hat off of Sholmes' head, dropping it on the seat behind him to properly stroke his fingers through his hair. His other arm just remaining tightly wrapped around him. He won't let go unless he's told he has to. Unless Sholmes straight out tells him to leave with sincerity. ]
I can. I can take this weight and carry it with me.
[ But he needs that risk from Sholmes, too. That scary leap. Jumping blind and hoping to land on solid ground. But there are never any certainties. ]
Despite whatever you're thinking, I can handle this. I can handle all of you.
[ Finley keeps trying to nuzzles Irene to make her feel better. ]
[This massive weight...can anyone hold it? He's calming down, slightly, with the touch to his hair, though, wishing he could reach up and wipe away his tears, as if he never shed them.]
Sixteen years, I've waited for that man. [He shakes his head slightly.] I-I don't know what to do.
[He's never looked or thought about anyone else. He's lost. This is new territory in a strange land. He slumps against the other man, as if the energy to fight has drained out of him.]
[ He keeps stroking Sholmes' hair gently. Nothing but reassurance, acceptance and warmth off of him. ]
I already told you that you don't have to let go of that. We all have our weights to carry, right?
[ He lets that feeling mingle with his warmth. Pain, heartache, regret, loss. It's all there in him. He's felt it. But there's a firm resolve weaved in there. ]
If there's only one thing I am, it's that I'm resilient.
[ And his emotions feel stronger. More resolve. More warmth. ]
Heh, and maybe it does feel like that, but I'm kind of an idiot that wants to hold on.
[ Finley tries to gingerly curl around Irene, probably coming dangerously close to Sholmes, but being careful so she doesn't force herself on him. ]
[Kotetsu really is a hero. A grand figure that stands as the hope and dreams of many, he thinks. That's how he is. Sholmes is almost astounded. How could a man, despite everything he's been through, find strength to stand, and deliver such warmth to someone like him.]
[A shaking hand reaches up, finding hold on the other's shoulder.]
You are an idiot.
[Words said without bite. He closes his eyes. Pain, pain, pain. Heartache still, but there's something terrified underneath, mixed with a strange sort of loneliness and longing. Like a hungry child too afraid to reach for food because of the consequences.]
...Wouldn't I be betraying him?
[He says, quietly. Irene doesn't move, just shifting to lean back against Finley.]
[ It's funny because there was a point where he became just a joke to many. A washed up hero. But that's all a piece of his history, who made him. ]
Don't you think he'd want you to reach out for happiness if you had the chance?
[ It's not an ideal answer. He can't say "yes" or "no" to that answer. There isn't a way. If he said "yes," it'd just hurt Sholmes further. If he said "no," he'd feel like he'd be lying to him and also hurt Sholmes. It's a grey answer somewhere between.
Finley starts to purr faintly, trying to reassure Irene. ]
[He isn't Mikotoba. He cannot think for him. They are equals, and are on the same page, but even then...they are different people. He can only judge by words and actions. Nobody can know entirely who another person is, no matter how close they are.]
[He can't help but think of that moment, reaching out to Finley. Quite literally, to touch another's soul, with nothing holding him back, is...its a feeling that's not like anything else in the world. And hearing Finley purring now...there's a sense of comfort from that. He can't help it.]
[ In response, he turns his head, to kiss the side of Sholmes'. ]
Then you won't be.
[ All the feelings he's been pouring into him meet with this resolve. His hand continues to soothe along Sholmes' back, hair still being pet tenderly. ]
[Mikotoba left once. He left again. He cannot stay, and its understandable why. There's no fault to be brought against him for that. It is merely a selfish wish to keep him in place, but Sholmes knows its like keeping a bird in a cage. Their partnership is something that won't die, but the way it persists isn't...quite enough.]
[He shifts at the kiss to his cheek, turning his face just to draw back and look at the other man for a long moment.]
You're tempting fate with a promise like that in situations such as these, my dear fellow. [And a shake of the head.] But I can't say that...I disapprove.
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[Before, when these memories had shown themselves to others, he had managed to keep his composure. Swallow the heartache down, and let it settle. He's had ten years with Iris and plenty of letters to receive to cope with the fact that he was alone. But here, with someone like Kotetsu, and how painful everything feels, it's like the straw that broke the camel's back.]
[And what's harder to deal with is to experience something like this man's infinite kindness, and then be reminded of something so similar that he still, to this day, was missing.]
...Maybe you shouldn't. [And he's blinking back tears, unwilling to push away, but stiffening in the man's grip. I miss him. I miss him. I just saw him and it wasn't enough. It was never enough. But no, that was selfish, and the man had a daughter at home, and he couldn't have him for himself, not really. He had understood that, but...] What's the point of it all?
[Irene has curled up into a ball behind him, whimpering.]
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Kotetsu's slowly raises his hand to rest on the back of Sholmes' head, the other remaining wrapped around him and holding him once again like he's something so precious beyond compare. ]
I can't give you answers. All I know is what I feel.
[ And that warmth swells, like warm waves trying to wash over him. He understands, he knows this might just be more painful in the future, but he knows regrets. He knows loss. ]
The point is that I'm here with you now. I kept fighting because you were here. I held onto that promise, Sholmes. It was like a lifeline for me, guiding me through. When I lost confidence, hope... You've always been there to pick me back up.
[ He lightly brush his cheek against Sholmes', like a light nuzzle. ]
And I don't want to lose that. I don't ever want to leave that. I'll find a way.
[ It makes absolutely no sense, but he doesn't care. What he cares about right now is this. ]
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[It can't be this good. There's nothing this good.]
Please...
[He manages to say, but he lets it cut out then, shuddering. He doesn't know how to finish that. "Please leave?" "Please stay?" Mikotoba, his partner, is in his head, and they're dancing. Even ten years later, they were able to dance like they always did.]
[How can he dance with anyone else?]
Kotetsu...you can't...
[But how can he leave this man, when his promise keeps him here, alive, like a lifeline? He can't turn away and refuse to acknowledge that.]
[He turns his head to rest in the crook of the other's neck just to cry. Because even the great detective is not smart enough to unravel the mysteries of the heart.]
[Irene just doesn't move, still whimpering.]
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His hand shifts to pull the hat off of Sholmes' head, dropping it on the seat behind him to properly stroke his fingers through his hair. His other arm just remaining tightly wrapped around him. He won't let go unless he's told he has to. Unless Sholmes straight out tells him to leave with sincerity. ]
I can. I can take this weight and carry it with me.
[ But he needs that risk from Sholmes, too. That scary leap. Jumping blind and hoping to land on solid ground. But there are never any certainties. ]
Despite whatever you're thinking, I can handle this. I can handle all of you.
[ Finley keeps trying to nuzzles Irene to make her feel better. ]
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[This massive weight...can anyone hold it? He's calming down, slightly, with the touch to his hair, though, wishing he could reach up and wipe away his tears, as if he never shed them.]
Sixteen years, I've waited for that man. [He shakes his head slightly.] I-I don't know what to do.
[He's never looked or thought about anyone else. He's lost. This is new territory in a strange land. He slumps against the other man, as if the energy to fight has drained out of him.]
It feels too good to be true.
[Irene is burying her head away, paws drawn up.]
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I already told you that you don't have to let go of that. We all have our weights to carry, right?
[ He lets that feeling mingle with his warmth. Pain, heartache, regret, loss. It's all there in him. He's felt it. But there's a firm resolve weaved in there. ]
If there's only one thing I am, it's that I'm resilient.
[ And his emotions feel stronger. More resolve. More warmth. ]
Heh, and maybe it does feel like that, but I'm kind of an idiot that wants to hold on.
[ Finley tries to gingerly curl around Irene, probably coming dangerously close to Sholmes, but being careful so she doesn't force herself on him. ]
no subject
[A shaking hand reaches up, finding hold on the other's shoulder.]
You are an idiot.
[Words said without bite. He closes his eyes. Pain, pain, pain. Heartache still, but there's something terrified underneath, mixed with a strange sort of loneliness and longing. Like a hungry child too afraid to reach for food because of the consequences.]
...Wouldn't I be betraying him?
[He says, quietly. Irene doesn't move, just shifting to lean back against Finley.]
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Don't you think he'd want you to reach out for happiness if you had the chance?
[ It's not an ideal answer. He can't say "yes" or "no" to that answer. There isn't a way. If he said "yes," it'd just hurt Sholmes further. If he said "no," he'd feel like he'd be lying to him and also hurt Sholmes. It's a grey answer somewhere between.
Finley starts to purr faintly, trying to reassure Irene. ]
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[He isn't Mikotoba. He cannot think for him. They are equals, and are on the same page, but even then...they are different people. He can only judge by words and actions. Nobody can know entirely who another person is, no matter how close they are.]
[He can't help but think of that moment, reaching out to Finley. Quite literally, to touch another's soul, with nothing holding him back, is...its a feeling that's not like anything else in the world. And hearing Finley purring now...there's a sense of comfort from that. He can't help it.]
Where...do we go from here, Kotetsu?
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[ Perhaps not the proper response, but he keeps stroking Sholmes' hair and continues. ]
I won't say it'll be easy. But it's worth it.
[ The arm that was holding him so firmly turns more gentle, starting to rub his back gently. ]
I'll ask you again what I asked last week: What do you want?
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[What...does he need?]
[The hand on Kotetsu's shoulder tightens its grasp, his other hand finally joining the other to fully embrace the man.]
[It's funny, because he hugged someone just last week who needed it, wanted it. He just never thought he'd want it, himself.]
...I don't want to be alone.
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Then you won't be.
[ All the feelings he's been pouring into him meet with this resolve. His hand continues to soothe along Sholmes' back, hair still being pet tenderly. ]
I'll say it again. I won't leave you, Sholmes.
[ A vow renewed. No curses to dismiss it. ]
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[Mikotoba left once. He left again. He cannot stay, and its understandable why. There's no fault to be brought against him for that. It is merely a selfish wish to keep him in place, but Sholmes knows its like keeping a bird in a cage. Their partnership is something that won't die, but the way it persists isn't...quite enough.]
[He shifts at the kiss to his cheek, turning his face just to draw back and look at the other man for a long moment.]
You're tempting fate with a promise like that in situations such as these, my dear fellow. [And a shake of the head.] But I can't say that...I disapprove.
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Maybe I am, but I'm determined to defy that.
[ He traces his fingers thread through his hair, letting them rest on the back of Shomles' neck, just watching him fondly. ]
You've seen how determined I can be.