sponsoredby | spike catchall

I don't know. I wanted to believe you didn't. I know you're capable of it, but I know you've also got someone you're wanting to fight the higher powers over. I didn't think you'd risk throwing that away while you're still aiming for that.

Could've been my motive, you know. Blackmail or protection or just some kind of guarantee that she'd make it to motive. I've killed out of love before, both for family and a lover, I reckon you'd do the same for your girl.

[He raises an eyebrow.]

Am I right?

[ His expression gets a little distant at that. ]

I'd do anything to protect her, but wouldn't I become someone that doesn't deserve he anymore? I feel like it's a choice of how much of your soul you'd give up. But then again, I've already had to take a life here to protect what's important, haven't I?

[ But he shakes his head. It's shitty. ]

[He smiles. Somewhat bittersweet.]

Well, I already don't have a soul. And I already know I don't deserve her. Buffy or... Dawn or Red or Tara.

[Xander and Rupert aren't as bad as he is but he also thinks they make up for it by both being fucking annoying in different ways and he saves their sorry asses anyway. And Anya is actually as bad if not worse than him, he just likes her.]

Bad act doesn't wash out the good, hero, nor does the good wash out the bad. Don't think you'll ever be as bad as I am.

And maybe you've got more good in you than you'd like to show.

[ There's a bit of a shrug. ]

You said you're used to getting spat on, after all.

Hmmmmm. I'm capable of doing good. Not being good. That probably doesn't make sense to you, but that's how I think on it.

I'm whatever they want me to be, really. For better or worse.

I guess we have our own way of looking at things.

You don't have to follow that here, though.

You mean being what they want me to be?

[He smiles, bemused.]

Why? It's still about Buffy. Even here. Even when she's dead. And without that promise I'm just a demon.

Well. Unless... [The smile fades and he just adopts a contemplative frown.]

Unless what?

[ He can't help but wonder where that line of thought is going. ]

...Unless I get my soul back.

[He pets the vampire bat in his hands.]

Vampires've done it. Vampires more evil than I've ever really been, and now they're living it up in LA helping the helpless. Or in Tibet, meditating and being sod all use to anyone.

How'd they manage that?

[He scoffs, genuinely amused at the prospect of Liam "Angel" Angelus choosing to have a soul. Everything that made Spike and Dru as twisted as they are, all of it was Angelus toying with them, trying to coax out that cruelty with a hundred years worth of abuse.

All because he was so obsessed with his own self-hatred that he needed everyone around him to be as bad as he was.]

Oh, he didn't manage it. He had it forced on him, as a punishment. Romani curse.

The kicker is that he only keeps his soul if he stays miserable. Any moment of genuine happiness and it goes away. Means he can't get laid without going crazy, which makes it all real funny.

That sounds like a personal hell... Is that how it always is? A soul used as a curse?

[ He honestly feels bad for the guy. More Spike than Angel - not being aware of all his deeds. ]

Eh, it's pretty deserved. He's got a whole complex about making himself as miserable as possible, this just facilitates that and adds the extra layer of involuntary celibacy.

[No sympathy for Angel. He's hot, though, in Spike's opinion, if that matters. Spike wants to kill him one day.]

It's the only case I know of, but from what I understand, it's probably possible in other ways. Look at this guy right here, for one. [Nudges his Daemon.] That's a portion of my severed soul.

[ Spike, your issues. ]

You're right... They are our souls, aren't they?

[ He rubs his chin in thought. ]

Is a soul always a curse like that?

Is being human a curse?

I was significantly less happy as a human than I was as a vampire. Or at least... [He frowns.] I thought I was, anyway.

But out of the vampires I've met, it's a bit of a mixed bag. For a lot of us, it's living without restraints, guilt or shame. Zieks, for one, would go on a bloody rampage without a soul, massacaring anyone he ever tied himself up with. He'd be happier, though. But some people need the tether. I had my own tether, and it remains the same to this day. Love.

You think that's what he'd do?

[ He... doesn't sound convinced, but who knows. ]

Love's a pretty good tether. If not the best.

Yeah well, I'm the only soulless vampire in the world I know of who ever decided to even try being good, so I reckon it's probably doing a good enough job.

Shame and restraint's all that's holding that blighter back. Every little bit of disrespect that makes his jaw tense? Without a soul, that turns into violent homicidal rage. I've never seen anyone so pent up and ashamed to exist. It swells up inside you like a boiling pot of anger, envy, lust.

Losing a soul just takes out the lid and mixes in some oil. To really let it all burst.

[He shakes his head in amusement. Forbidden dark Zieks... He'd have more thoughts on this if this conversation weren't prior to his fight with Zieks.]

[ He wonders about that. Spike would know best about souls. ]

You think he's that bad off? Maybe he's just afraid. Of what? I don't know.

He's Victorian. So was I. Worse than that, he's put his faith into the legal system. Big mistake, that.

[Sometimes you're just Victorian, sir.]

Also you've never made him angry. I have.

[ Sometimes you are. ]

You're right, I haven't. I've only gotten on his nerves.

He's prickly, that one.

When'd you get on his nerves?

Pretty much right away. We talked fine once and then we were like oil and water. Things have been changing lately, but it took a couple weeks.

I think the only one he always gets along with is that Kim fellow. You can tell by the puppy dog eyes he gives him that he really wants the guy to respect him.

Methinks our Lord Voldemort's got himself a crush. [It's time to gossip about Zieks, apparently.]

[ Oh. Huh... He thinks about that. ]

Really? I never would have thought about that...

(no subject)

bloodyromance - 2021-10-24 08:18 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

sponsoredby - 2021-10-24 21:15 (UTC) - Expand