I just cannot shake the feeling that he is humoring me because we are working together... That he does not enjoy my company, otherwise. [He is so frazzled over this that he does not even push their hands away.]
[ He keeps his hands tightly in place and gives him a smile. ]
He's not that type of guy. You think he'd work with you if didn't enjoy your company? You're a smart guy and a good ally, but I don't think he'd be humoring you.
You need to relax. Just be yourself.
[ He moves one hand from van Zieks' cheek and taps him over the heart. ]
That's what's most important. The rest will fall in place. You're a really endearing guy, you just don't realize it. It's why I couldn't just leave you alone.
[ He also lightly pats van Zieks' on the cheek. It's a little affectionate. ]
You also need to stop holding him on a high pedestal. You'll never reach him that way. Trust yourself. You're equals.
[And just resting his chin on the other's shoulder.]
If you keep trying your hardest to be someone worthy of respect, that is all he will ever see you as, you fool. Talk about what you love. Mention something you like. Talk about your bats. I liked hearing about your bats!
[He is so overwhelmed why are there so many compliments why is he in a room on a bed being touched and complimented by two handsome men he does not even have any pants on right now??? Endearing??? "I couldn't leave you alone"??? Help. Help!???]
I'm not- [COVERING HIS FACE WITH HIS HANDS.]
I can't do that! [DO WHAT? OldBaileyReaper.exe has crashed.]
It's scary. And sometimes you want to hide yourself. Especially from someone you want to be near. But what if they never see who you really are? Would you really be happy?
I... It's painful. Not having what you want. I'm not going to lie and say I know everything will work out, but that's the point here. Something that important... you need to take the risk.
[ He rests his hand flat on van Zieks' chest now. ]
We'll be here, if you ever need something. [ Yeah, he's speaking for Sholmes, but that much is obvious. ] And I don't know what this bat thing is, but it sounds pretty cute.
[His bATS.... Van Zieks is quiet for a long moment, because he is still rebooting. He does not know how he got into this situation. That standoffish, dour, gloomy exterior he's put up for so long wants to reject all of this. To reject his own feelings, because they are complicated, and scary, and so warm, in a way that feels alien at this point. Foreign after living ten years isolated, by the fears of others as well as himself.
To be himself. It's not something he ever strove for. Barok van Zieks is shy. Barok van Zieks struggles to connect with others. Barok van Zieks is too earnest for his own good. Klint van Zieks was none of those things. So he'd always tried to be like him. But then Klint wasn't there anymore to emulate. So he'd sunk into himself. Klint wasn't there to encourage him.
He thinks, again, of that voice he'd heard when his sword had struck true in the Lord Regent. That impossible voice, that had to have been a lie. And yet. And yet. If Klint had been here, now. What would he say? Something like all this?
He raises his hands, one resting over Sholmes' around his shoulders, the other over Kotetsu's on his chest. His shoulders shake unevenly, his face pulling tight, as, with no other argument spring to his mind, he can do nothing but devolve into quiet shuddering sobs.]
[ With van Zieks like this before him, he cannot help but feel his heart aching for him. He knows bits and pieces of this man, but he doesn't know the whole picture. Who ever could? Only the man himself.
But seeing him like this... there's almost something protective that stirs inside of him. He brushes his thumb over van Zieks' cheek some more, not minding the wetness there.
He steps a little closer, bringing his head to the opposite side of Sholmes. His voice is softer, warm. Accepting. ]
[As opposed to Kotetsu, Sholmes knows the man far too well. He's been a player in the backdrop of the whole sordid tragedy of the Reaper of the Old Bailey. He knew things Van Zieks never knew.]
[And so, he understands. The tragedy that he saw in that courtroom that day, topped by that pained, tragic wail of a man whose life had been turned upside down.]
[He just embraces the man tighter, keeping him close to him.]
We'll keep you safe.
[I won't let you fall through the cracks this time.]
[Safe. When was the last time he really felt that? Not just from holing himself up in the family estate, away from other people, away from public opinion. Alone, in the dark. Not safety, really, but isolation.
But to be held, to be consoled. To have something, someone to count on. As many times as Klint had teased him when he was young for being a crybaby, he'd never told him to stop. Never scolded him for it. He'd simply held on. Told him things would be alright. Things were not alright at all. But... For a short while, maybe he can forget that fact. Maybe he can pretend.
It takes him a few minutes to get the bulk of it out of his system. But of course, when he regains control of himself enough, the first thing he does say is;]
My apologies. I don't... [A soft hiccup. Adelheid has left Finley and is carefully wiggling onto van Zie's lap, narrowly avoiding the other men's hands. Van Zieks drops his hold on their hands to press Adelheid to his chest.]
You have us. You have other people, here. Chin up, my dear fellow.
[And quite literally, chin up, as Kotetsu goes for it.]
[Sholmes himself just watches the other for a moment, before sighing and resting his head back against Van Ziek's head, like a particularly affectionate, but exhausted cat.]
Happiness can be found in others around you. And you have that.
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no subject
I just cannot shake the feeling that he is humoring me because we are working together... That he does not enjoy my company, otherwise.
[He is so frazzled over this that he does not even push their hands away.]
no subject
He's not that type of guy. You think he'd work with you if didn't enjoy your company? You're a smart guy and a good ally, but I don't think he'd be humoring you.
You need to relax. Just be yourself.
[ He moves one hand from van Zieks' cheek and taps him over the heart. ]
That's what's most important. The rest will fall in place. You're a really endearing guy, you just don't realize it. It's why I couldn't just leave you alone.
[ He also lightly pats van Zieks' on the cheek. It's a little affectionate. ]
You also need to stop holding him on a high pedestal. You'll never reach him that way. Trust yourself. You're equals.
no subject
[And just resting his chin on the other's shoulder.]
If you keep trying your hardest to be someone worthy of respect, that is all he will ever see you as, you fool. Talk about what you love. Mention something you like. Talk about your bats. I liked hearing about your bats!
[Pats his head again.]
You'll be fine.
no subject
I'm not-
[COVERING HIS FACE WITH HIS HANDS.]
I can't do that!
[DO WHAT? OldBaileyReaper.exe has crashed.]
no subject
Calm down. You can.
[ His smile turns very soft, very heartfelt. ]
It's scary. And sometimes you want to hide yourself. Especially from someone you want to be near. But what if they never see who you really are? Would you really be happy?
I... It's painful. Not having what you want. I'm not going to lie and say I know everything will work out, but that's the point here. Something that important... you need to take the risk.
[ He rests his hand flat on van Zieks' chest now. ]
We'll be here, if you ever need something. [ Yeah, he's speaking for Sholmes, but that much is obvious. ] And I don't know what this bat thing is, but it sounds pretty cute.
no subject
As he said, we are at your service. It's only a step! And when you get over that step, everything will be easier.
[And to Kotetsu:]
It is sincerely adorable. He has a whole family of them in his office, who he has helped to raise. I was charmed by the very mention, alone.
no subject
To be himself. It's not something he ever strove for. Barok van Zieks is shy. Barok van Zieks struggles to connect with others. Barok van Zieks is too earnest for his own good. Klint van Zieks was none of those things. So he'd always tried to be like him. But then Klint wasn't there anymore to emulate. So he'd sunk into himself. Klint wasn't there to encourage him.
He thinks, again, of that voice he'd heard when his sword had struck true in the Lord Regent. That impossible voice, that had to have been a lie. And yet. And yet. If Klint had been here, now. What would he say? Something like all this?
He raises his hands, one resting over Sholmes' around his shoulders, the other over Kotetsu's on his chest. His shoulders shake unevenly, his face pulling tight, as, with no other argument spring to his mind, he can do nothing but devolve into quiet shuddering sobs.]
no subject
But seeing him like this... there's almost something protective that stirs inside of him. He brushes his thumb over van Zieks' cheek some more, not minding the wetness there.
He steps a little closer, bringing his head to the opposite side of Sholmes. His voice is softer, warm. Accepting. ]
You're safe here. Get out as much as you need.
no subject
[And so, he understands. The tragedy that he saw in that courtroom that day, topped by that pained, tragic wail of a man whose life had been turned upside down.]
[He just embraces the man tighter, keeping him close to him.]
We'll keep you safe.
[I won't let you fall through the cracks this time.]
no subject
But to be held, to be consoled. To have something, someone to count on. As many times as Klint had teased him when he was young for being a crybaby, he'd never told him to stop. Never scolded him for it. He'd simply held on. Told him things would be alright. Things were not alright at all. But... For a short while, maybe he can forget that fact. Maybe he can pretend.
It takes him a few minutes to get the bulk of it out of his system. But of course, when he regains control of himself enough, the first thing he does say is;]
My apologies. I don't... [A soft hiccup. Adelheid has left Finley and is carefully wiggling onto van Zie's lap, narrowly avoiding the other men's hands. Van Zieks drops his hold on their hands to press Adelheid to his chest.]
I have been alone for a long time.
no subject
[ His voice remains as soft as before. He wipes away the tears on one side, then reaches to the other cheek. ]
And you're not alone anymore.
[ His hand shifts to place under van Zieks' chin, tilting his head up proper and pulling back to look at him. He offers a gentle smile. ]
no subject
[And quite literally, chin up, as Kotetsu goes for it.]
[Sholmes himself just watches the other for a moment, before sighing and resting his head back against Van Ziek's head, like a particularly affectionate, but exhausted cat.]
Happiness can be found in others around you. And you have that.