spike catchall

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[bloodyromance]

[He's standing about, as he'd like to say, around the hallway, though he does stop at the parlour and the game room, and now he's just... playing cards with himself on the balcony.

Hi Kotetsu. He's got a half empty bottle of wine with him.]

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[ He happens upon him like that. ]

Hey there.

[bloodyromance]

[Gives him a glance and a nod.]

Alright, govna?

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[ There's a shrug. ]

That was quite the stunt you pulled at the end.

[bloodyromance]

Yeah, in retrospect it might not have been the brightest way to do it.

[He pauses.]

Still think it had to have turned out alright in the end, just not in the way I was expecting.

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What were you expecting in the end?

[bloodyromance]

Searing agony, the humans to figure out that I'm utterly defenseless against them and to take advantage of that and kill me next week.

Except I'm not. Apparently.

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That's one hell of a way to test it.

[ He sighs as he rubs his neck. ]

I don't think that won you any points with anyone, but you don't really act like you care that much.

[bloodyromance]

I'm used to helping people and getting spat on in return.

[He shrugs, his voice flat.]

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For what it's worth, I didn't think you did it.

[bloodyromance]

[He hums.]

Why?

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I don't know. I wanted to believe you didn't. I know you're capable of it, but I know you've also got someone you're wanting to fight the higher powers over. I didn't think you'd risk throwing that away while you're still aiming for that.

[bloodyromance]

Could've been my motive, you know. Blackmail or protection or just some kind of guarantee that she'd make it to motive. I've killed out of love before, both for family and a lover, I reckon you'd do the same for your girl.

[He raises an eyebrow.]

Am I right?

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[ His expression gets a little distant at that. ]

I'd do anything to protect her, but wouldn't I become someone that doesn't deserve he anymore? I feel like it's a choice of how much of your soul you'd give up. But then again, I've already had to take a life here to protect what's important, haven't I?

[ But he shakes his head. It's shitty. ]

[bloodyromance]

[He smiles. Somewhat bittersweet.]

Well, I already don't have a soul. And I already know I don't deserve her. Buffy or... Dawn or Red or Tara.

[Xander and Rupert aren't as bad as he is but he also thinks they make up for it by both being fucking annoying in different ways and he saves their sorry asses anyway. And Anya is actually as bad if not worse than him, he just likes her.]

Bad act doesn't wash out the good, hero, nor does the good wash out the bad. Don't think you'll ever be as bad as I am.

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And maybe you've got more good in you than you'd like to show.

[ There's a bit of a shrug. ]

You said you're used to getting spat on, after all.

[bloodyromance]

Hmmmmm. I'm capable of doing good. Not being good. That probably doesn't make sense to you, but that's how I think on it.

I'm whatever they want me to be, really. For better or worse.

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I guess we have our own way of looking at things.

You don't have to follow that here, though.

[bloodyromance]

You mean being what they want me to be?

[He smiles, bemused.]

Why? It's still about Buffy. Even here. Even when she's dead. And without that promise I'm just a demon.

Well. Unless... [The smile fades and he just adopts a contemplative frown.]

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Unless what?

[ He can't help but wonder where that line of thought is going. ]

[bloodyromance]

...Unless I get my soul back.

[He pets the vampire bat in his hands.]

Vampires've done it. Vampires more evil than I've ever really been, and now they're living it up in LA helping the helpless. Or in Tibet, meditating and being sod all use to anyone.

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How'd they manage that?

[bloodyromance]

[He scoffs, genuinely amused at the prospect of Liam "Angel" Angelus choosing to have a soul. Everything that made Spike and Dru as twisted as they are, all of it was Angelus toying with them, trying to coax out that cruelty with a hundred years worth of abuse.

All because he was so obsessed with his own self-hatred that he needed everyone around him to be as bad as he was.]

Oh, he didn't manage it. He had it forced on him, as a punishment. Romani curse.

The kicker is that he only keeps his soul if he stays miserable. Any moment of genuine happiness and it goes away. Means he can't get laid without going crazy, which makes it all real funny.

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That sounds like a personal hell... Is that how it always is? A soul used as a curse?

[ He honestly feels bad for the guy. More Spike than Angel - not being aware of all his deeds. ]

[bloodyromance]

Eh, it's pretty deserved. He's got a whole complex about making himself as miserable as possible, this just facilitates that and adds the extra layer of involuntary celibacy.

[No sympathy for Angel. He's hot, though, in Spike's opinion, if that matters. Spike wants to kill him one day.]

It's the only case I know of, but from what I understand, it's probably possible in other ways. Look at this guy right here, for one. [Nudges his Daemon.] That's a portion of my severed soul.