[van Zieks is cleaning his stupid finger stump hand. Everyone in this room is stupid and I hate them.]
No, I don't particularly care for the idea of it. Nor do I care for the way Sholmes operates. [Glancing over at Sholmes to make sure he's asleep. And staying there because he can't look at Kotetsu for this;]
But I've come to understand you are both men with abundantly kind hearts. Why either of you give me the time of day I cannot fathom, but I am glad to know you.
Anyway he's trying to clean off his terrible stomach wound but between having a general difficulty with bending over because of it, and his refusal to actually get undressed to do it, he's having difficulty.]
This is not a matter of self esteem. People do not typically find me pleasant to be around. I believe Sholmes has used the word "gloomy" before.
[TCH. As long as he didn't hear the compliment that's fine then.]
It is not as if I have that many. I have only spoken about being friends with Sholmes and the Lieutenant. [Breaking: 33 year old man thinks you are only friends with someone if you verbally agree to be friends.]
[ Kotetsu is going to cup is ear and lean in toward him. ]
E-Ehhhhh? Did you just say... [ He walks over to place both of his hands on van Zieks' shoulders and stares at him dead on. Sorry for the wet rag. ]
I've considered us friends for a bit now. From what I've seen, there's other people that spend time with you. If I had to announce my friends every time, I don't think I'd have very many.
[ Oh. Oh, no... That's cute. He lets the rag drop to the floor for a moment and he's reaching to take van Zieks' face in his hands. Just wanting to calm him down a little. Damn cuddle week. ]
Hey, hey... I'm sure it's fine. Kim's a really great guy. I doubt he'd judge you over something like that.
I just cannot shake the feeling that he is humoring me because we are working together... That he does not enjoy my company, otherwise. [He is so frazzled over this that he does not even push their hands away.]
[ He keeps his hands tightly in place and gives him a smile. ]
He's not that type of guy. You think he'd work with you if didn't enjoy your company? You're a smart guy and a good ally, but I don't think he'd be humoring you.
You need to relax. Just be yourself.
[ He moves one hand from van Zieks' cheek and taps him over the heart. ]
That's what's most important. The rest will fall in place. You're a really endearing guy, you just don't realize it. It's why I couldn't just leave you alone.
[ He also lightly pats van Zieks' on the cheek. It's a little affectionate. ]
You also need to stop holding him on a high pedestal. You'll never reach him that way. Trust yourself. You're equals.
[And just resting his chin on the other's shoulder.]
If you keep trying your hardest to be someone worthy of respect, that is all he will ever see you as, you fool. Talk about what you love. Mention something you like. Talk about your bats. I liked hearing about your bats!
[He is so overwhelmed why are there so many compliments why is he in a room on a bed being touched and complimented by two handsome men he does not even have any pants on right now??? Endearing??? "I couldn't leave you alone"??? Help. Help!???]
I'm not- [COVERING HIS FACE WITH HIS HANDS.]
I can't do that! [DO WHAT? OldBaileyReaper.exe has crashed.]
It's scary. And sometimes you want to hide yourself. Especially from someone you want to be near. But what if they never see who you really are? Would you really be happy?
I... It's painful. Not having what you want. I'm not going to lie and say I know everything will work out, but that's the point here. Something that important... you need to take the risk.
[ He rests his hand flat on van Zieks' chest now. ]
We'll be here, if you ever need something. [ Yeah, he's speaking for Sholmes, but that much is obvious. ] And I don't know what this bat thing is, but it sounds pretty cute.
[His bATS.... Van Zieks is quiet for a long moment, because he is still rebooting. He does not know how he got into this situation. That standoffish, dour, gloomy exterior he's put up for so long wants to reject all of this. To reject his own feelings, because they are complicated, and scary, and so warm, in a way that feels alien at this point. Foreign after living ten years isolated, by the fears of others as well as himself.
To be himself. It's not something he ever strove for. Barok van Zieks is shy. Barok van Zieks struggles to connect with others. Barok van Zieks is too earnest for his own good. Klint van Zieks was none of those things. So he'd always tried to be like him. But then Klint wasn't there anymore to emulate. So he'd sunk into himself. Klint wasn't there to encourage him.
He thinks, again, of that voice he'd heard when his sword had struck true in the Lord Regent. That impossible voice, that had to have been a lie. And yet. And yet. If Klint had been here, now. What would he say? Something like all this?
He raises his hands, one resting over Sholmes' around his shoulders, the other over Kotetsu's on his chest. His shoulders shake unevenly, his face pulling tight, as, with no other argument spring to his mind, he can do nothing but devolve into quiet shuddering sobs.]
[ With van Zieks like this before him, he cannot help but feel his heart aching for him. He knows bits and pieces of this man, but he doesn't know the whole picture. Who ever could? Only the man himself.
But seeing him like this... there's almost something protective that stirs inside of him. He brushes his thumb over van Zieks' cheek some more, not minding the wetness there.
He steps a little closer, bringing his head to the opposite side of Sholmes. His voice is softer, warm. Accepting. ]
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Also, I'm not sure if he actually has put 2+2 together yet over Barnaby. ]
I'm sure some people aren't a fan of the whole "hero" thing.
[ But, also, since van Zieks isn't letting him clean him anymore, he is going to go to sit on the bed. Careful not to jostle Sholmes awake. ]
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[actually no he does mumble something into the hat when kotetsu sits down but its terrible muffled]
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No, I don't particularly care for the idea of it. Nor do I care for the way Sholmes operates.
[Glancing over at Sholmes to make sure he's asleep. And staying there because he can't look at Kotetsu for this;]
But I've come to understand you are both men with abundantly kind hearts. Why either of you give me the time of day I cannot fathom, but I am glad to know you.
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You really need to learn to give yourself more credit.
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[silent]
[maybe he died again]
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Anyway he's trying to clean off his terrible stomach wound but between having a general difficulty with bending over because of it, and his refusal to actually get undressed to do it, he's having difficulty.]
This is not a matter of self esteem. People do not typically find me pleasant to be around. I believe Sholmes has used the word "gloomy" before.
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And he walks over to van Zieks, yanking the rag away. ]
Well, it seems like you've got some friends around here. And maybe you're learning a little to meet people half way. We're getting along now, right?
People change all the time.
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[A low noise - he's probably woken up from the touch to the leg, but there's a murmured:]
I don't think you're gloomy, anymore.
[haha yeah he was listening]
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He kicks Sholmes, though not hard enough to make him fall off the bed.]
How long were you pretending to be asleep!?
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He doesn't step in to intervene, just watching this with a ... soft... smile. ]
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[BINCH]
I don't know, truly! I just caught the last part! I said what I said, though!
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It is not as if I have that many. I have only spoken about being friends with Sholmes and the Lieutenant.
[Breaking: 33 year old man thinks you are only friends with someone if you verbally agree to be friends.]
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E-Ehhhhh? Did you just say... [ He walks over to place both of his hands on van Zieks' shoulders and stares at him dead on. Sorry for the wet rag. ]
I've considered us friends for a bit now. From what I've seen, there's other people that spend time with you. If I had to announce my friends every time, I don't think I'd have very many.
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[SNORTING VERY LOUDLY]
You have multiple friends, you dolt! Do you think you need to write an invitation to be friends every time? Come on!
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He did. He did think that. He is embarrassed now.]
Well how was I supposed to know!? Does-Do you think the Lieutenant thinks me strange now for asking!?
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Hey, hey... I'm sure it's fine. Kim's a really great guy. I doubt he'd judge you over something like that.
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[He's scrambling over to pat Van Ziek's head. HE WILL ALSO TOUCH THE IDIOT TSUNDERE]
You're fine. You're just fine. If you're friends, you're friends. He's a straightforward gentleman like that.
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I just cannot shake the feeling that he is humoring me because we are working together... That he does not enjoy my company, otherwise.
[He is so frazzled over this that he does not even push their hands away.]
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He's not that type of guy. You think he'd work with you if didn't enjoy your company? You're a smart guy and a good ally, but I don't think he'd be humoring you.
You need to relax. Just be yourself.
[ He moves one hand from van Zieks' cheek and taps him over the heart. ]
That's what's most important. The rest will fall in place. You're a really endearing guy, you just don't realize it. It's why I couldn't just leave you alone.
[ He also lightly pats van Zieks' on the cheek. It's a little affectionate. ]
You also need to stop holding him on a high pedestal. You'll never reach him that way. Trust yourself. You're equals.
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[And just resting his chin on the other's shoulder.]
If you keep trying your hardest to be someone worthy of respect, that is all he will ever see you as, you fool. Talk about what you love. Mention something you like. Talk about your bats. I liked hearing about your bats!
[Pats his head again.]
You'll be fine.
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I'm not-
[COVERING HIS FACE WITH HIS HANDS.]
I can't do that!
[DO WHAT? OldBaileyReaper.exe has crashed.]
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Calm down. You can.
[ His smile turns very soft, very heartfelt. ]
It's scary. And sometimes you want to hide yourself. Especially from someone you want to be near. But what if they never see who you really are? Would you really be happy?
I... It's painful. Not having what you want. I'm not going to lie and say I know everything will work out, but that's the point here. Something that important... you need to take the risk.
[ He rests his hand flat on van Zieks' chest now. ]
We'll be here, if you ever need something. [ Yeah, he's speaking for Sholmes, but that much is obvious. ] And I don't know what this bat thing is, but it sounds pretty cute.
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As he said, we are at your service. It's only a step! And when you get over that step, everything will be easier.
[And to Kotetsu:]
It is sincerely adorable. He has a whole family of them in his office, who he has helped to raise. I was charmed by the very mention, alone.
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To be himself. It's not something he ever strove for. Barok van Zieks is shy. Barok van Zieks struggles to connect with others. Barok van Zieks is too earnest for his own good. Klint van Zieks was none of those things. So he'd always tried to be like him. But then Klint wasn't there anymore to emulate. So he'd sunk into himself. Klint wasn't there to encourage him.
He thinks, again, of that voice he'd heard when his sword had struck true in the Lord Regent. That impossible voice, that had to have been a lie. And yet. And yet. If Klint had been here, now. What would he say? Something like all this?
He raises his hands, one resting over Sholmes' around his shoulders, the other over Kotetsu's on his chest. His shoulders shake unevenly, his face pulling tight, as, with no other argument spring to his mind, he can do nothing but devolve into quiet shuddering sobs.]
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But seeing him like this... there's almost something protective that stirs inside of him. He brushes his thumb over van Zieks' cheek some more, not minding the wetness there.
He steps a little closer, bringing his head to the opposite side of Sholmes. His voice is softer, warm. Accepting. ]
You're safe here. Get out as much as you need.
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